The Quest Review: The Battle Dome

Hack Fest, Dementor-Fates, Ovaries vs Balls and a Surprising Victory in This Weeks Fourth Episode of The Quest.

It’s nice to imagine an episode of The Quest not centered around physical prowess, but as usual, that is (quite fittingly) pure fantasy. The episode opens with Saenctum in a state of uproar —the city is under attack by Verlox’s army, and our poor pack of Paladins can’t seem to get into formation. Lucky for them —and all of Everealm, really —Sir Ansgar reveals that the “attack”was merely a staged drill, designed to test the Paladins’ preparation. This revelation is followed with the most awkward silence we’ve seen on television since last season of The Bachelorette, a silence awkward enough to shake even the prickly Sir Ansgar out of his medieval dialect. He confesses to the Paladins that he feels responsible for their lack of preparation, and promises them that he will bring them up to speed, pronto. I’d like for him to promise not to call anyone “you guys” ever again on this show, but historical dialectical accuracy is probably asking too much.

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It’s time for the show’s twist, so Bonnie, Andrew, and the always-entertaining Shondo select their “battle partners” in a moment of gym class reminiscence, only to be told that the people they thought would be their allies will, in fact, be their opponents.

Shut the front door.

The Battle Royale

This pairs poor Jasmine with Shondo and Patrick, Lina with Christian and Andrew, and Bonnie with Leticia and Adria. The Paladins are marched into what Sir Ansgar affectionately calls “the battle dome,”and are told that the challenge will be essentially a game of chicken atop a pit of straw. Very barnyard. Three sword-armed Paladins go in for a hack-fest, and the first to fall meets the Fates, while the last one standing faces the other two winners in a battle royale.

Lina knows she’s doomed from the start, and reminds us of her statement earlier that Andrew and Christian share a love for one another far greater than their love for the rest of the team. It’s a weird way of putting it, but strikingly accurate. Lina is eliminated first, sustaining a (very) minor scratch to the nose, and (despite a valiant effort by Christian, who seems determined to stay as far away from the Fates as possible) Andrew comes out on top. Not that Christian minds.

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Bonnie, Adria, and Leticia seem evenly-matched, but both Adria and Leticia confess to the camera that they aren’t particularly worried, as Bonnie is obviously the weak link. Don’t ever write The Quest off as predictable, though, because Adria stumbles and eliminates herself while Leticia emerges victorious over a quickly-vanquished Bonnie.

Jasmine is sweating underneath her armor, but knows she has one thing over the others: her imagination. Wait, scratch that —that was two episodes ago. Jasmine tries to rely on her small frame and speed, but topples into the straw while Shondo —our resident cage fighter, and a shoo-in for the victor —outlasts Patrick.

Our battle royale: wrestler Andrew vs. cage fighter Shondo vs. worrisome Leticia. I’m rather looking forward to the bloodbath, after Leticia’s betrayal of my man Jim, but things get interesting and Leticia proves herself the winner. You’re earning your way back into my favor, Leticia.

Dementors and Nazgûl!

It’s really nighttime in Everealm, and for a moment it looks like the three Paladins up for elimination —Lina, Adria, and Jasmine —are going head-to-head with a set of Dementors. It turns out that these cloaked figures are just the Fates playing Nazgûl dress-up, though, so Harry Potter and Tolkien fans will just have to find solace in their series’ wild successes as movie and game franchises. It’s cold out there.

It turns out that the Paladins will be playing a medieval variant of baseball, and will be whacking skulls hurtling through the air with swords. Humane and tasteful —just what Everealm is known for. Adria’s confident, as she knows how to handle a sword, but you can just see Jasmine and Lina shaking.

Jasmine’s up first, and scores a respectable five whacks. She’s obliterated enough skulls, so you’d think the soul-sucking Dementor-Fates would give her a pass. But Adria outperforms her and impresses with seven whacks, securing herself a spot in next week’s episode as Lina can only manage to match Jasmine’s five.

Between Jasmine and Lina, you’d think the choice was clear. Leticia, who is growing on me, outlines all of Jasmine’s strengths in a valiant attempt to protect her roommate. Bonnie’s quickly losing my favor, though, and her decision to trust her feet-brain (“I’m just going to walk up there and whichever way my feet take me…”) doesn’t do much to reverse the process. Andrew’s holding a grudge because of Lina’s earlier comment about his love for Christian, and Adria supplies “ovaries”as a replacement for “balls”when describing Jasmine. Thanks, feminist Adria. Good-guy Shondo —who has by now established himself as the only sane Paladin of the group —elects to support Jasmine, but the last few episodes have demonstrated that his support can double as a death warrant. This is no different, and Jasmine only musters up Shondo and Leticia —another point for you, Leticia! —as supporters. The choice is made, as the Fates say, and we bid goodbye to Jasmine. Another Paladin has fallen —but for the first time, Christian made sure it wasn’t him.

We can see the beginnings of strategy starting to permeate The Quest, as the Paladins —particularly the under performing ones —are increasingly siding with the strongest in the voting challenges. Shondo and Leticia stand apart, but if they fall in front of the Fates, will they have the social game to survive a vote? Christian himself admitted that he stood behind Lina because she supported him; to whom will Shondo and Leticia turn when the Fates come to them? Think hard, Paladins —the game is just beginning.

The Cream Also Rises

On the walk back, Leticia is sad and Shondo reminds us that with every elimination, the cream is rising to the top. Dawn breaks and the Paladins take on their morning chores, a sure sign that something is about to happen. We are not disappointed, as the Queen shows up and Andrew indicates that he is definitely cheating on Christian with her. It’s a good thing the Queen ducks out just after arriving, though, because danger looms again —an ogre is attacking!

Something tells me this one isn’t Shrek.

The Quest “Under Siege” and “A Traitor in Saenctum” airs Thursday, August 28 at 8|7c on ABC